Name: Kentucky Derby #150
Start: 2024-05-04T15:00:00-04:00
End: 2024-05-04T19:00:00-04:00
Location: Pete's Candy Store

It's the KENTUCKY DERBY, in which we, the preterite, shall celebrate with a gregarious devotional this SATURDAY, MAY 4 at PETE'S CANDY STORE
About this Event

Moistened Ladies! Salty Gentlemen! Does birdsong pierce your tender ears? Do wayward blossoms litter your path? Are your breasts filled with sweet honey? It can only mean one thing:

SPRING HAS SPRUNG AGAIN!

And per, we draw closer to the one thing this moribund world can offer us of delight: The annual running of the KENTUCKY DERBY, which we, the preterite, shall celebrate with a gregarious devotional this SATURDAY, MAY 4 at PETE’S CANDY STORE in balmy Brooklyn, NY.

“LIfe is an unwanted gift which ends in mortification and death” says organizer Jamie Hook. “Yet minus this poisonous present, we should never know the fleeting feelings of wagering and winning that accompany this Equine spectacle.” "Only through debaucherous contest does the leprous soul emerge from its winter sleep,” concurs host Abby Diess. “So cast your mortal fears aside friends; the Derby is back and we shall imbibe!"

We have organized a fabulous bash, open to all who enjoy the aimless, orthodox demands of tradition. The prodigious amusements include:

PETE’S PADDOCK, a glade of horse sense, where the uninitiated may banish their ignorance and infer with abandon.
The HOOKER’S HANDICAPP, an overly poetic monument to the host’s ego.
The beloved IDIOT STAKES, where a dollar makes a winner of a loser.
Our delectable PIE CONTEST, where the city’s best bakers compete for hefty $$ cash prizes. For more info and to sign up: https://forms.gle/n65ikzHTsaRQohgV7
A heady HAT CONTEST, to be judged by a fully enlightened Buddhist monk.
A sweet game of chance, PIN THE SKIRT ON THE FILLY, in which tipsy celebrants insert a rectal charm into a horse’s ass. Fun for all ages.
...and, of course, PARIMUTUEL PASTIMES to comfort our cold passage across this uncaring Earth.

The festivities get underway SATURDAY, MAY 4, 3PM at PETE’S CANDY STORE (709 Lorimer, Williamsburg) and will last until the last horse crosses the finish line. Dress like you goddamn mean it!

BRING YOUR GUMPTION AND GREENBACKS!