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Love is a feeling.Relationship is a skill set.
We're living in a time of monumental shift in romantic relationship.
Not because love is dying.
But because we're finally realizing how little we were actually taught.
We've been told love is a feeling. That if you love someone enough, it can work.
But it's more than that-It's a biological event, a psychological pattern, and a practice.
Let's start at the verrrrry beginning:
You have a nervous system.
It runs the whole show.
Regulates your heart rate, your breath, your readiness to connect or protect.
It's been scanning for safety since the moment you entered the world.
You don't "choose" your activations in conflict. Your nervous system does. Based on everything you’ve encountered up until that moment. (You do get to choose your response, and that’s the real magic, but takes learning and practice.)
Until we know that our nervous system is driving our discomfort, we’ll keep blaming other people’s actions for our internal responses that we never learned to track or share.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -Carl Jung
Until you acknowledge your nervous system in your interactions, your connections, your LOVE, you are
REACTING
rather than
RELATING.
Humans are a pair-bonded species.
Our brains and bodies evolved to co-regulate. Which means: we use each other's nervous systems to stabilize our own. In close relationships, especially ones with with consistent physical intimacy,
our bodies unconsciously source for survival safety, from our partners- Our attachment systems are made to bond. (whether that person is a compatible partner for us or not.)
This is why intimate partnership will always activate fear responses in us that our other relationships don't. We are evolutionary wired to protect the bond, for our survival. What looks like "overreaction" is often a nervous system shifting momentarily into a survival state.
According to polyvagal theory, our system constantly scans for cues of safety or danger-what Dr. Stephen Porges calls neuroception. Your body doesn't just react-it interprets. And if that cue resembles something unsafe from your past,
your system will respond as if it's happening all over again.
What I want people to know is that this is all happening below the level of the brain stem- below the level of conscious thought. You don’t have to know all of the past attachment injuries (your brain could never track them all) but if you want to be in a healthy relationship you DO need to understand that your nervous system will be activated and how to own that, and regulate it.
Revolutionary relationships are actually asking us to look backwards. To acknowledge and honor the evolutionary science of what both our attachment systems and nervous systems are doing in our uncomfortable interactions.
Until we acknowledge these systems IN OUR BODIES, we cannot create a working system with another body.
Conscious communication in relationships isn't just accessing and sharing your truth-it's about how it's said, and whether the way it's delivered creates safety or threat to these subconscious systems. Without awareness, even well-intentioned words can send a partner's body into shutdown or defense.
There are tools, frameworks, and technologies of conscious
communication that help us speak in ways that regulate rather than activate.
Ways to share what's true in YOU rather than what's problematic with THEM. These communication technologies that honor our somatic systems, are essential to real and revolutionary relating. They invite relationships rather than reactionships.
The biggest gap I'm seeing, in where relationships break down, is the absence of information and education about this specific trifecta:
1. Psychobiological Attachment-Understanding how we are wired to bond and what happens when that bond feels threatened.
2. Nervous System Awareness-Understanding that we're not just emotional-we're physiological, and our bodies are constantly scanning for safety or danger.
3. Communication that Acknowledges These Systems-Speaking in a way that recognizes what the body and attachment system are experiencing-not just the content of the conflict.
People talk a lot about “healing the nervous system”, but they don't talk about the parts of our nervous system that are hardwired, in it for life, and need acknowledging. Less healing, more understanding. Less fixing, more awareness.
The nervous system naturally balances, with accurate information. Truth feels good in the body. I believe the future of relationships involves being allies to these invisible and constantly running systems. So understanding them is key.
—————-
I hold a group laboratory once per season to steep in the tools of Revolutionary Relationships. 10 people. 8 weeks. I teach one tool per week, and then people take it and practice it out in the world. The following meeting then starts, with people sharing those experiences. I've found that this is one of the most potent ways to access and ground into new ways of being and perceiving. A group effort, with multiple perspectives. Our next session starts the second Monday of September and meets in SE Portland. $350 for the full series. This is for anyone who wants to explore their relationship to their relational self: Single, partnered, divorcing, swiping-
This is a re-learning and a reset.
Online version coming soon, let me know if you’d like to be on the list for that.
A note from someone in our last cohort 💓
“I was so excited to attend Shayne’s class every week of the 8 week course- she has so many pearls of wisdom to teach us. Her skill set is invaluable. “
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Event Venue & Nearby Stays
The Tao of Tea, 3430 SE Belmont St,Portland, Oregon, United States
